OPENING
I understand that tonight’s event has been billed as a presidential debate, but based on hours of listening to Donald Trump’s past performances I don’t think there’s going to be a debate tonight. A debate is when two people argue policy based on facts and logic. The reality is that Donald Trump has not really argued in the past, and i don’t expect them to do so tonight. Instead, he does five other things. (As she discusses each item, she raises the appropriate number of fingers.)
1
He brags. He tells us that he is number one in all things. He is a very stable genius who knows all the good words. All his phone calls are perfect. Don’t believe your lying eyes, his crowd really was bigger than Obama’s. His economy really was the best in the history of the United States, even though economists put him at #7 in the last 40 years. He told the UN that he had accomplished more in his brief presidency than any other administration in U.S. history. They laughed at him. But you can expect more bragging tonight.
2
He blames and calls people names. Little Marco. Lyin’ Ted. He called me a communist which tells me that he doesn’t know what a communist is. He blames other people for things that go wrong. Poor Mike Pence got blamed when he lost the 2020 election. When his recent Section 60 stunt backfired, he accused the families of setting him up. He is constantly doing a little dance called the Trump Two-Step. If something good happens, he takes credit, if anything bad happens he blames someone else.
3
He whines. All the time. He commits sexual assault and lies about it, or he refuses to return classified information, or he starts an insurrection, and when he gets sued, or indicted, or convicted, it’s the fault of the prosecutor or the judge or the jury. Anyone but him.
He’s never been in an election that wasn’t rigged. When he didn’t get an Emmy for the Apprentice, it was because the Emmys were rigged. When he lost the primary to Ted Cruz, it was because the republican primary was rigged. And tonight, I expect you will hear more from the same old, tired playbook.
4
Fear. He will spend a fair amount of this evening trying to scare the bejesus out of you. He’ll tell you that if I’m elected the stock market will crash and we will have the largest financial catastrophe since the Great Depression, probably even worse. He may not remember, but he said exactly the same thing to try to scare you about Joe Biden four years ago. And look what happened. The stock market has never been higher, and against all odds, the Biden administration was able to keep us out of a recession. Donald Trump was scared four years ago and he’s scared now. But the fact that he is easily scared doesn’t mean that we have to be.
5
incoherent rambling. The final thing that Donald Trump does rather than argue is to avoid the question and go on and on about whatever happens to be popping into his mind at the moment. Hannibal Lector, sharks, toilets, whatever. He cannot, or will not, stay on topic. And most of what he says is disconnected from reality.
So I don’t expect Former President Trump to debate tonight, but I will. I will try to advance policy positions I believe in and tell you the facts and the shared values that I think support them.
(Throughout the debate when Trump lapses into one of the five behaviors, Harris will look into the camera and raise the appropriate number of fingers. When Trump complains about it, she will hold up three fingers.)
LAUGH
The Republicans are in pretty tough shape when they have to go after me for my laugh. I confess I like to laugh. I like movies that make me laugh. One of my favorites, maybe because I’m a former prosecutor, is My Cousin Vinny. You remember, a brand-new lawyer from Brooklyn, Vincent Gambini, who knows almost nothing about the law, ends up defending his cousin on a charge of murder in a state that applies the death penalty. Remember the first day of trial, when Vinny shows up in a red riverboat gambler suit, and sleeps all the way through the prosecutors opening statement because he hasn’t had any sleep for four days? When the prosecutor is finished, his cousin has to nudge Vinny awake to make his opening. Vinny stands up, tells the jury “Everything that guy just said is bullshit!” and sits down.
A great moment, a great phrase, and one I sometimes wish I could repeat. But the rules of this debate don’t allow that. So when I look at you and say “Vincent Gambini” you will understand what I am saying.
CON MAN
I used to think Donald Trump is a liar and a con man. And that’s understandable. Why else would anyone who can achieve the remarkable feat of remembering “person, woman, man, camera, TV” constantly say so many things that just aren’t true.
I don’t believe that Donald Trump is a liar anymore. I think he genuinely believes things that just aren’t true. He truly believes that there were more people at his Inauguration than at Obama’s. He believes that his economy was the best in US history, all facts to the contrary. He believes that he has done more for black people than Abraham Lincoln or Lyndon Johnson. He genuinely believes that he has suffered more than Abraham Lincoln or any other leader. He genuinely believes, as he told the UN, that his administration accomplished more than any other administration in US history. The UN laughed at him, but we should not be laughing.
The biggest threat to our country is not someone who can’t or won’t tell the truth, but someone who doesn’t know what the truth is.
THE BORDER
The border is serious issue, one that deserves to be taken seriously.
When Trump took over border crossings were at a low point. They rose under his administration. They reached an all-time high in 2022, and have been declining since then. They are now at a level comparable to that under his administration. Those are the facts. But don’t believe me, and for God’s sake don’t believe him. Check for yourself.
The border is a complicated issue because we need foreign workers, we want to be a refuge to people who are truly in danger in their own countries, and we don’t want to blame children for the sins of their parents. These are not problems that can be solved by simple-minded solutions like building a wall or mass deportations.
What we really need is enforced detection capacity at the border, more border agents, and a streamlined asylum process to quickly weed out those who are trying to take advantage of our laws. Those needs were addressed in a serious way in a bipartisan bill drafted by republican and democratic members of Congress, including Senator Lankford of Oklahoma. But Donald Trump did not want a solution to the problem at the border. He wanted to be able to run on that issue against Joe Biden. So, he had his lackeys in Congress kill the bill. Once again Trump first, country last.
We need a President who will take the border seriously.
ABBEY GATE
Trump surrendered to the Taliban. He negotiated with the Taliban for American troops to cut and run, without even including the government of Afghanistan in the negotiations. Is it any wonder the Afghan government didn’t fight harder against the Taliban? On Trump’s order thousands of radicals were released, many of whom joined ISIS-K, like the terrorist who committed the atrocity at Abbey Gate.
Trump negotiated the terrible deal and set it up so that the final withdrawal would happen after his term was over. As with so many other things, Trump created a situation where he could take credit if things went well and blame someone else if they went badly.
HARRIS ADDITION TO THE MICHELLE OBAMA RULE Michelle Obama says “When they go low, we go high.” I would just add a little wrinkle to that. “When they go low, we go high, but first we kick them in the face.” We kick them in the face not because we like to see them with bloody faces, but we want them to stop going low. By going low, they avoid having a serious argument about real issues. And that is our goal, to treat serious issues with the seriousness they deserve.
